Things my clients taught me this week...

One of my favorite models to use in my work is Internal Family Systems (IFS).  When we talk about how parts of ourselves sometimes clash, want different things for us have direct conflict with each other (i.e.: a part of me wants to go outside in the sun but my responsible part won't let me), this approach makes this way of relating to ourselves fairly literal.  In developing a relationship with each part of our internal composition, the way we feel towards who we are can shift and change.  What I begin to notice is that depending on what has brought someone into therapy, there seems to be a theme in what kind of parts are most influencial in the person's life.  For example, with anxiety, there is often a strong perfectionistic part of a person that is trying to ensure that everything is taken care of exceptionally well in order to mitigate anxious feelings.  On the opposing side is another part that just tries to manage the anxiety in the moment, sometimes with compulsive behaviors, sometimes with drugs or alcohol, sometimes with avoidance.  Underneath of both of these parts is the fear; a part of self that has trauma or who carries specific beliefs surrounding acceptance and capacity for lovability (as an example).  Addiction has a common internal dynamic where one part gets really frustrated with addiction and can be self-loathing while on the opposing side is the part who gives permission to use.  Underneath of both is often a part of self that is experiencing a lot of emotional pain.  The part giving permission is trying to numb the pain and the frustrated part is trying to get the person to stop using.  If we view all parts of ourselves as working on our behalf, it can shift how we respond to things we typically have disdain for.  But, these polarizations are painful to clients and it seems that a lot of initial work surrounds addressing (and honoring) these parts.  In sum, honoring and clarifying who we are and what we are doing seems to be integral to mitigating shame and opening the door to curiousity and internal kindness.