Sunday, February 19, 2012
Things my clients taught me this week...
The prevailing thought I have this week surrounds the abatement or even abandonment of authentic "wants" that can offer us both connection to ourselves and direction for our lives. The kind of want I am describing should be differentiated from things that serve to make us feel better, numb our pain, or help us avoid discomfort. What I am focusing on is the idea that if we listen to what we want, or become more skilled in identifying that internal pull towards something it can help us achieve goals that fit us, nurture us and challenge us. Many of us are inclined to either be dismissive of what we want or we think we shouldn't be allowed to feel that way in the first place. Sometimes we don't know what we want, which is particularly true for those who have experienced developmental trauma. How can we know what we want when we aren't sure about what we feel, whether or not those feelings are real, and when our focus is pushed outward? Trauma survivors can be very skilled at reading others and interpreting their environment but sometimes struggle to articulate their own internal experience. I just wonder if we started there...started with what feels true and right and used that as a catapult, what might happen? Where might we end up?
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As a trauma survivor, I blocked out many years of my life. It was if I abandoned that entire part of me. I never talked about it and after years I could not even remember my truth. That kept me with my abuser for a long long time. When I started to allow myself to remember, I became more able to recover that part of me which does not want any more abuse. I think I had to remember so that I won't repeat those same mistakes. In other words, allow the cycle to continue. In my adult life I followed some bad patterns related to how I behaved with my abuser. This also resulted in some bad situations and relationships because I did not know myself or what I wanted. In a way, I spent much of my adulthood as a child. I couldn't grow up because I still let my abuser tell me how I felt, thought and what to do. That's over now, thankfully and I might just have a shot at healing. I know myself better now. I'm trying to listen and follow my soul. If nothing else, I know by now, I don't want any more abuse from anyone.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing! It can take a lot of experience and time away from childhood to even recognize what happened or to put together a narrative about our stories. Then the next step is understanding how we have been influenced by what happened and how to move forward. You have clarity about what you don't want and hopefully that will catapult you into your future. Thank you again for your story and I wish you well!
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